long time since I blogged...
lots of things have been on my mind lately...
it just seems like...the walls of my world is slowly collasping into me..
my heart feels so heavy all the time...except when im with my friends..
that's when all my problem mysteriouly disappears.
But when there's no distractions, the minute I stop surronding myself with fun and joy, the reality sinks in that my life kind of sucks at the moment...
its hard to breathe cause i feel this heaviness in me.
i cant explain why i feel like this.
everything has just suddenly gone downhill for me
relationships with a close friend has disintegrated into dust,
feelings of being suspected and paranoid is driving me up the wall...
and it doesnt help that someone's coming back in bout...10 days??
i don't need the extra pressure and stress...
im looking forward to him coming back, don't get me wrong, but i just don't want things to be the way it's always been...and i can bet it is...

sometimes i find it hard to breathe or fall asleep..
it just seems everytime i take a time-out, all i see is the mistakes ive made, how disappointed my parents are that Im not a particular someone (some of you would know who i'm talking about), how much im screwing up in pretty much every aspect of my life.
I mean, I'm a good kid...i don't break the law...i get good grades in school...
but
i think about who i am now...and who i was before...
have i changed that much?
is that why the friendship has dissolved?
and then i think...should i go back to who i was before??
maybe that might get me back that friendship..
and then i think..do i really want that friendship back??
and then i think again..who was i before??
i cant remember who i used to be anymore..

who am i now...
am i good or bad?
i find myself making new friends, but are they really friends who have a good influence on me?
i find myself drifting a little from my old friends...so i try to cling on and hold on tight to that part of my old life...its those friends that have stuck with me for years..
i find myself making jokes that are
and then there are my twin, jie and kor/gor...they truly are the best...don't know what i would do without them...they've stuck with me through my transformation and never cease to make me laugh/smile/support me...

sometimes i feel like God is disappointed with me for changing...
that He doesn't love the new me...
if that friend doesn't love the new me...and she is so 'on track' with God...why would He love me?
it's getting hard to convince myself that God still loves me..the new me...

its going to be a very long holiday for me...
who the hell have I become?