it's been a while..yes i know that
I don't know why I decided to blog today...
maybe it's cause I'm just so sick of the life I'm leading right now? needa get it out?
lately ive just been lying in bed, unable to sleep for hours, just thinking of my past and the future...
ive only just come to terms with something of my past and it terrifies the heck out of me.
how could i have been so stupid??
how old was i then? only 10? what the hell!?!?
those reading this are probably like 'what's she going on about?'
trust me...i've never told anyone and i never will...
i just want it to go away..i just want to forget it...
but i remember just a bit too much...
why do people say talking about things will make it better?
wouldn't that just make everything clearer? what if i just want to forget it?
would talking and bringing it up again really make it better?

anyways and then about the future...
why does it always seem so scary?
i can't imagine at all what it's going to be like.. and that's scary too.
i hate being uncertain, making choices where i don't know for sure what the outcome will be.
i just wish that i could stay where i was right now...but then i think about it again and i go: "what so great about now?"

wow i feel so emo and i really hope nobody reads this but i kinda figured since this is a dead blog..meh?

ive just been questioning everything lately...
pretty much nearly every aspect of my life.
my capabilities, my relationships. are they real? who am i exactly?
sometimes i wish i could change who i was...go back to the past and change who i was so that maybe my present self would be different?
i certainly did some retarded things when i was in like..year 7...
and like..right now
im just so sick of my routine.
3-4 hours of studying a day and one little mistake could screw it up

i keep praying that God will just show me the way.
I cant see it right now...but I hope im going the right way.
Let God be number 1...